I apologise I’ve not written anything in a while.
If I’m honest, I’ve not always got anything that I would consider of value to write and I really don’t want to fill up my blog with posts ‘for the sake of it’ or because it’s best to post on regular days each week. Being honest I don’t have the time or the brain power. I write when I have something I feel is of value to others and that’s not usually every Monday morning on the dot.
But today I want to write about the times in life when God challenges us because this is really where I am right now. I’ve overcome many challenges in my life, most triumphantly with God but my side. Jesus is my saviour and really did do just that.
However up until now most of my journey with God has been him fixing a lot of the problems I have in my life and making me happier. All very lovely stuff. I really wasn’t at all prepared for him to then start ‘fixing’ parts of me that I relied on in such a deep and personal level.
I won’t lie, I really don’t like it.
Right now I am being challenged by God to truly let the old me die so that I can become the person he created me to be. This means letting go of tried and tested coping strategies I heavily rely on. This is not easy for me, at all. Although I know, and I do know they’re not good for me, they have repeatedly helped me through a lot of hard and stressful times in my life and allow me to some what cope with this life.
My main one is feeling in control.
This is a HUGE one for me and very hard for me to own up to as there is a certain level of shame attached to it. I don’t want to be labelled as controlling, and yet to a certain degree this is what I am.
I learnt from a young age that I had very little control over any aspect of my life, my family, my body or my safety. I was given no choices and could do very little to control what happened to me on a daily basis so I learnt to find things I could control and focus on those. This distracted and empowered me to feel safe and more in control. I definitely attribute control to feeling safe. DEFINITELY. I’m not pretending this is healthy but this is all I’ve know for so long. This is how I cope, how I survived. God is revealing this to me more and more and although I was much worse before I became a Christian it’s still not what God wants me to ‘need’ to feel safe. I have to let go and allow this part of myself to die with my old life. And to be clear, I totally agree with God, this is no good for me or my family, period. But this is still a difficult process for me and something I am struggling with.
I’ve always preferred the illusion of control in my life, where I have a plan which assures my financial and family security. Sell me a broken promise where I feel I am in control of my future and I will lap it up, just to feel I know where and what my future will be. But God doesn’t sell broken promises. He whispers softly ‘trust me with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to me and I will make your path straight.’
I have to admit, I am not very good at submitting, to anyone. My partner, my family and my friends all know that if I am upset or disagree with something I will fight to be heard and don’t back down. To submit to someone, as an adult evokes anger and hostility in me as I fear I am weak and will be hurt.
The things in my life I control have differed through the years but the need to feel in control has not. If I feel in control I’m content, relaxed, happy and hopeful for my future. I feel I am loved and have a purpose. When I feel I’m not in control I quickly become anxious, feel hopeless and like my whole world will fall apart. I feel desperate like I did as a child to regain some control over my life and make it better. Love and money are big triggers for me. I need money to feel secure and taken care of, provided for. I need love to feel good enough as I do not handle rejection well. From a young age I daydreamed about having enough money to have my own home where I would be safe and could control who I allowed in my life. I learnt to trust the lie that if if I am in control, I am safe. Bad things won’t happen to me if I am safe. I need to maintain control over my life.
As we all know, change is hard, especially when it’s something that forms your identity and you weren’t planning on changing it. But I also know to be a disciple of Jesus, and to love God means to trust him and follow him. “I can do all things through christ who strengthens me.” Although this is a challenge to me, I won’t stand in Gods way or try to change his mind. I agree this change is needed, and although hard I will let it happen and counter my fears with God’s truth. I am loved, I am enough, God will take care of me, I don’t need to be afraid. God is in control and that is good, he will take care of me, he won’t hurt me. I can trust God.
As it is written in Matthew 6:26-34 (NIV)
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I hope anyone going through something similar to me can take comfort in knowing, you’re not alone and if God is changing you, you are blessed because it means you are HIS! He is inside you and has not given up on you. God works for the good of those who love him and who the son sets free, is free indeed! Let’s be free of the chains and the lies of the enemy. God’s love is enough to sustain each of us. Jesus’s sacrifice is enough to save each of us
Take care guys and be kind.