I have to say this is not the blog post I thought I would be writing today!
But I’ve been moved by the Holy Spirit and I need to get this out.
I am going through something at the moment. Something which only God’s strength has enabled me to pursue.
In all honesty I could never have done what I am doing in my life right now without God making it happen.
It may not sound much to some people but for me it is huge…
I am searching for my birth father.
You see, I had a dream last week that my real Dad loves me and wants to be apart of my life. It was a vivid dream which I believe God sent me (like he has many others.)
As the story goes, I was adopted as a baby by my mother’s 2nd husband.
I’ve recently learnt that my birth Dad didn’t want to give me up, that he loved me and was forced by my mother’s new (and very threatening!) partner to do it.
I learned he tried to make contact with me and was forced away and threatened.
That gifts he gave me were given away.
All while my mums 2nd husband abused and molested me.
Convincing me I was unwanted and unloved.
And I believed him. For many years.
Right now I am on the cusp of making contact with my birth father and really just waiting for him to either; rejector accept me.
This whole situation, as you can imagine is really challenging on an emotional level.
Without God’s strength and guidance I really couldn’t, and wouldn’t be tracking my Dad down right now, through fear of rejection.
But I have to say I started the search only a few days ago and already my Dad has been found.
This feels so much to me like God has a hand in it.
Earlier today I was feeling quite stressed about it all so I prayed and straight after a poem suddenly erupted out of me.
I haven’t written a poem in years!
I’d like to share it with you as I know there will be many others who feel how I’m feeling right now.
This is very raw for me so please be kind.
Waiting for you,
Waiting for the truth,
Waiting to know,
Will you see me?
Will you accept me?
Will you want to see me?
Has too much time passed?
Has too much happened?
Are you in too much pain?
Will you try?
Can you trust me?
Can we give it a try?
Can we heal?
Can we hurt about the past together and wash it away?
And we build a different future?
Can we try?
Please see past yourself and see me standing here,
I’ve found you,
Please don’t turn me away,
Please don’t say i can’t see you,
Can’t meet you,
Can’t know you,
Even if you’re the worst,
Let me see it.
Even if you’re in pain,
Let me see it.
Even if you think you’re not enough.
Let me see you.
I havnt come for money.
I havnt come for things.
I havnt come for anything other than to meet the man you are.
To look you in the face and know.
I am of your cloth.
Cut from you.
30 years ago,
I know it hurts,
It hurts me too.
I know it isn’t fair,
It wasn’t fair for me either.
Only together can we heal.
Will you try?
Please say you’ll try.